Day to Day Learning

I was invited to join this website 'InterNations' in 2012 by my ex-colleague from Russia. I did have an account there, but I've never really used it till recently.


The idea for me was for social networking, at least, that was what I thought. However, I started to get 'Twinkles' and that made me wonder if that is another dating thing going on.


I was not really into dating at the moment since I was again back to my single life, and I did want to enjoy it for a bit and also to discover what it was behind my failure of relationships. 


Having said that, I did start to have some expectations and that actually didn't do me any good.


There were a few guys contacting me, and some of them asked me out for a drink. I met up with them, and had a good time. The story should have ended here, but I realised I was wishing for more, which wasn't acceptable for myself!


When I had expectations, I started to sink. 


It didn't mean that I wanted to find a relationship out of it or what, but simply, I was again losing the point. The goal was that I lived my own life and tried to have some fun. Nothing should have stood in the way. 


I should be able to enjoy being alone as well as others' company, but to live a life always waiting for something or someone.


Last night, I felt super lonely on my way home from Holborn, London, and I told myself, 'Good. Try to enjoy it.' Yes, the loneliness somehow made me feel weak, made me wanting to cry, but the best way to deal with it is to accept it.


It is there, but that is okay. It is there, but I am going to be just fine. 


I put my face and my mind in between books, and start to clear my emotion little by little. Deleted messages from whatsapp and put the phone in the bag without checking it every other minute.


That was a good start even if my heart told me it was a bit empty at the moment. 'It is okay, my dear.' I said. We are going to be just fine. 

Loneliness

Loneliness is something that you can't simply refuse to have because it comes deeply from your heart or your mind and it makes no different no matter how many people are around you.


There is always a moment you realise that you are only on your own when you want to talk to someone and find no one to call. Or not that there is no one you can call, but no one that you really want to call. 


You can argue about the fact they are different, but it is the same for me. Same outcome unfortunately. 




We were born alone, and we always try to get closer to another because of loneliness, but at the end of the day, we are still only on our own.


To learn how to deal with it seems to be an essential lesson for me. To understand it and to get used to it and even to start enjoying it. 


No, it doesn't sound easy at all, but that is the direction I am heading. Despite the fact that I may not overcome my loneliness, I am looking for a way to stay with it in harmony.